Have you ever referred to yourself as the "old" me? Or maybe you call yourself the "new" me. I usually think of these sayings being used when someone has made a life transformation. Maybe he or she stopped using drugs, or maybe they chose to do away with another bad habit. Either way, the terms typically signal a dramatic change in a person's life.
But what if there is not a dramatic change? What if a change takes place and that person can't even tell its happening? That is how I feel. Robbie often makes remarks of what happened to the "Old Cindy". The Cindy that had a warm home cooked meal on the table when he walked in the door from work, his laundry folded and neatly put away, the beds made every morning, the pantry and fridge always being stocked and organized (and maybe alphabatized), the house in perfect order that always looked like a 'model home' and not one thing out of place. I always reply "She had kids!" Let me explain further:
Old Cindy
- organized
- "together"
- on time or early
- accomplished tasks and set goals
- finished projects
- strived for perfection
- made lists---and completed them
- did not forget things
- multi-tasker
- satisfied at the end of the day
New Cindy
- a disorganized mess
- so totally NOT together---EVER!
- starts tasks and may not finish them for months on end
- always late... seriously. No matter how early we strive to be somewhere, something always happens usually walking out the door and I get a big ole 'F' in this department (I am working on it... promise!)
- who has time for goal setting?
- feels extremely frustrated that I have several projects I would either like to start or have started that I need to finish.
- has accepted "good enough" as the standard by which all things are measured
- makes lists then loses them (usually one of the kids walks off with it!)
- can't remember why I even walked into the room in the first place
- Multi-task...well, let's just say I can be bathing a child while burning dinner on the stove, cleaning up a doggie accident, unloading the dishwasher, throwing in a load of laundry, and answering the phone when daddy is calling from out of town
- Still satisfied after an even longer days work, but for different reasons.
You see, when I decided to become a mommy (well I guess you don't always 'decide'... it just happens sometimes!), I never knew my life would change so drastically. I had no idea what becoming a mom would do to my "old" self. It wasn't just the outwardly things either. No, I still can't fit into the size 6 skirts that I wore before Holdyn was born and this stomach will never see the light of day again. But those aren't the things that bother me. Its the psychological and emotional changes that I have been through that make me wonder if the "old" Cindy will ever return. For instance, my house is a wreck, I have no idea what I will cook for dinner, will I make it to the grocery store today without 387 tantrums before we walk out the door?, laundry is piled high and there is no end in sight. Instead of doing something about it like the "old" Cindy would, I put it on the back burner and ignore it..... on purpose. It's completely overwhelming at times to even think about what all needs to get accomplished. And that is where the ugly cycle begins. Some days I get so frustrated with all that there is to do that I can hardly get myself out of bed and move forward.
Robbie made a comment the other night to Hadley while I was getting all of their school lunch things organized before the start of the new school year. Holdyn is about to start Kindergarten and Hadley will be going 2 half days a week to the school that Holdyn went to last year that we loved. The comment was something to the effect of "well now that you are going to school, Hadley, mommy can go back to work"..... It really rubbed me the wrong way, intentional or not. I guess what I do now is not considered "work" to some people. And for the record, when Hadley does start full time school and goes to Kindergarten, I DO plan to take time and step back and maybe bring a little bit of the "old" Cindy back. No I won't immediately go back to 'work'. Maybe I will have the pantry and fridge stocked, the house organized, everyone's laundry folded and put away, all of the beds made, a warm home cooked meal on the table 99% of the time, and be there for my children when they get out of school to help them with their homework, take care of them when they are sick, and be their taxi cab driver to and from after school activities. I plan to be a mommy. The best mommy and wife out there! Maybe my 'original' life plan had me going down a totally different path and I had completely different goals than the goals I have now (Not maybe.... I DID have different plans for my future!) I was obviosly dealt a different hand of cards in life and now I couldn't imagine it any other way. Life has really put things in to perspective, and things that were once very important to me, have no meaning or purpose at this point in my life and vice versa.
Have no fear, there is hope for the "old" Cindy to reappear one day, I think. Some days I have small breakthroughs of organization and togetherness. Some days I actually accomplish
all most that I set out to do. I know it will be an uphill battle for many years to come. I also know that as the kids get older they will begin to take on more responsibilities around the house and that will be a huge help.
So how, you ask, can I say that I still feel rewarded after a long day's "work"? Well, I take one look at my adorable apple seeds as they peacefully sleep and realize that there is nothing greater on this earth. I was so graciously given the opportunity to trade the "old" Cindy for Holdyn and Hadley. I did not realize what kind of deal I was making when it all happened. Maybe if I did I might have been hesitant and turned the other direction and ran.... fast!!! Instead, I jumped in head first without ever looking back.
The "old" Cindy might have had it together, but she had no idea what love really was. She had never felt quite as accomplished as the "new" Cindy feels when her children so innocently bring a book to her at night and ask to 'nuggle' and flip the pages and tell me what sound each animal makes. Or as proud as the "new" Cindy felt when Holdyn caught a HUGE shark yesterday and I could just hear him beaming with joy over the phone, or how amazing 1 week of swim lessons have boosted the confidence of both kids ability to swim without floaties, or when Hadley grabs you by the hand and says 'tome here' and wants to show off how she can dress herself, even if her shirt, shorts, and diaper are on backwards! Even the sad times are so rewarding. For in those times my love for my children is confirmed even more.
Which ever Cindy you liked better, which ever Cindy made you happier, this is the Cindy I am now. I dislike her a lot of times and wish she could/would change, but this is the "new" Cindy. This Cindy most importantley loves her husband, and her children beyond anyone's immagination. That's all that really matters. I love to think our kids are a work in progress....well, so are mommies.
Look at this HUGE shark Holdyn caught on the boat yesterday with his daddy!! He was SO proud! Daddy said a 5 year old 'out fished' him! HA! This was the 'first catch' on our new boat!
